Astonishing U.S. Election Debate Turns Violent: Who Is the Winner?
Media Coverage of Republican Debate Reads Like a Boxing Match, With Main Contender for the Championship Title Donald Trump Conspicuously Absent
As I was reading the New York Times “pick the winners, losers and ‘the star of the evening’ from the first Republican debate”, I was struck by how much the language used to describe candidates’ actions left me, not so much with the impression of reading the in-depth and level-headed reporting of responsible journalists, but with one of reading the sensationalist commentary for a boxing match. So I thought, why not take that impression further, all the way to its satiric zenith?
Let me show you what I mean. I shall first be setting the stage by describing the way this ‘championship match’ started, followed by the New York Times’ commentary of how each of the ‘fighters’ did, as well my closing commentary for what this means for their shot at the presidential ‘championship’ going forward this election season.
→ Just to be absolutely clear, the quotes (everything in between quotation marks) I’m about to use are all real, if somewhat taken out of context for comedic and satirical effect, for instance by adding the comments from multiple writers together. You can find the New York Times article I got them from here. Everything else is my own writing. Honestly, I was astonished by how little I had to change to make this sound like a boxing match. Enjoy!
You can find the full Republican debate here.
The stadium was filled with people, all anxiously awaiting what was sure to be the match of last century, filled with nostalgia for those bygone days of classic Republican sportsmanship. When the big lights went off and blue spotlights lit up the stage, the audience went bananas and started screaming for blood. As the camera zoomed in on the stage, each of the contenders showed their glistening bleached teeth, every last one of them eager to draw first blood. Bathed in the holy glory of the white stage lights, the anointed contenders then proclaimed in unison: Ave populus, morituri te salutant! Then the starting bell rung, and the whole match turned into a frenzied free-for-all. The referees did their best to make sure everyone got a fair shot, but even they could not contain the carefully choreographed energy displayed by these Olympian hopefuls.
Tonight’s contenders, in the order they were announced: Ron DeSantis, Vivek Ramaswamy, Mike Pence, Nikki Haley, Chris Christie, Tim Scott, Asa Hutchinson, and Doug Burgum.
The winner of the evening (according to the New York Times): Nikki Haley (5 ft 6 in, 56 kg)
“Solid performance. Landed some punches — including her opening whack at Republican lawmakers for their heavy spending under President Trump — and gave not one inch during a tussle with Ramaswamy over foreign policy.”
Second place: Mike Pence (5 ft 10 in, 92 kg)
“Unexpectedly fiery! He got far more attention than most folks expected, largely by going hard at Ramaswamy. Pence’s odd choice to focus on attacking Ramaswamy ended up undermining his gravitas. Mike Pence is a serious person, but he acted more like a grumpy old man on the stage.”
Third place: Chris Christie (5 ft 9 in, 105 kg)
“When the debate began, Christie seemed somewhat tired and off his game. Vivek Ramaswamy woke him up. I was expecting much more from Christie. He had one good swing at Ramaswamy but was otherwise on the defensive. Weirdly low energy, especially in the face of the inevitable boos from Trump supporters. He’s supposed to be a brawler, but he couldn’t even knock out Vivek Ramaswamy.
Fourth Place: Ron DeSantis (5 ft 11 in, 95 kg)
“Ron DeSantis has no gas, no spark, no juice, with a distinctly off-putting style of petulant aggression. The other candidates practically ignored him. He showed intensity, absorbed no serious attacks and he desperately needs more deftness and finesse. Somehow came across as both robotic and tightly wound. Such vigorous head bobbing! And can someone please do something about that creepy smile?”
Highlights from the losing fighters (according to the New York Times):
Tim Scott: “Best at energetic hand gestures. He didn’t make any missteps and he had some nice, if not terribly memorable, moments. But it was all a little meh.”
Vivek Ramaswamy: “He grabbed the spotlight,” by employing a unique fighting style that consisted of being “rude, disruptive and astoundingly arrogant” towards his opponents. “He seems to think he’s Jesus,” which he demonstrated when he turned the audiences’ drinks into wine and proclaimed: “We live in a dark moment,” but I am the way and the truth and the life.
Doug Burgum: “He displayed grit” in showing up for the match “despite an injured leg”. “But clearly out of his depth. Even he looked surprised at times that he was on that stage.”
Asa Hutchinson: “Did not understand that he was supposed to be fighting the other candidates. Instead he “served warm milk to a crowd braying for red meat.”
Naturally, it remains to be seen whether tonight’s victory will be of any consequence for the winners’ chances at the championship title, seeing as the former champion and current main contender for the title Donald J. Trump (6 ft 3 in, 97.5 kg according to a recent Atlanta weigh-in, although some people are disputing the results) was not present at tonight’s brawl, on account of Georgian allegations of foul play during last season’s runoffs. Stay tuned for what is already promising to be a sensational matchup.
Ahh, Amerika. what Kafka and others have called "The Greatest Show on Earth." Or did he call it the World's Biggest Circus? Either way, both are true. Great piece.
I've never been a fan of boxing or debates or Republicans, but you really made this fiasco read quite entertainingly. A real knock-out, you could say. You're the winner!