Russian Invasion of Ukraine - Part I

The experiences of a 21-year old Ukrainian

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Feb 26, 2022

Shock. Horror. Unimaginable. Those are just some of the words that are used to describe Russia’s invasion of Ukraine yesterday morning. How did it happen? Why did it happen? And what is going to happen? Before we get into all that, I want to share a personal story from Ukraine. Because with all the talk of war, rising fuel prices, crashing stock markets, and Vladimir Putin, it is important to remember the countless people that are dying, fleeing, and sheltering, and that they are people, just like you and I.

What follows in this first part of what shall be a series of articles describing different aspects of this complex situation, is an account of what the past few days have been like for the 21-year-old xenia, who lives in Kharkiv, which is Ukraine’s second largest city.

Whenever xenia has internet access, she sends Telegram messages to share updates on her current situation. In this first article, we ask her about what her thoughts and feelings are at this moment. Her answer, which she has sent on 26 February, 14:41 EET (12:41 UTC) has been kept as is as much as possible, except for some light editing and punctuation. She is currently sheltering inside a metro station in the city.

~How are you doing right now, what’s the situation like?

I’m very tired, but my mind keeps racing.

This time we came to a different metro station than yesterday, it's a ghost town. The neighboring buildings are mostly non-residential. I think people keep going home when they think it's safe.

I'm not planning on surfacing unless it's clear that another attack on the city is unlikely, or when necessary. If it's quiet up there we can send a person up to get whatever we might need from up there and stay safe down here, otherwise there’s a lot of risk of getting killed by a stray shot for not much improvement.

Out of the last 57 hours I've slept for 8. I need to sleep but I keep thinking of contingencies and plans of action in various situations. I can't neglect my body so I think I'll take a sleeping pill and try to rest.

But my mom is kind of in denial, she keeps wanting to go back up and I keep being shocked at how bad her essentials pack is packed. She doesn't have a toothbrush!

Down here we have access to running water, there's a way to charge electronics; we have a sleeping bag and a kind of mattress, food and water (drinkable) for a few days, and a kettle for water that's not yet drinkable, and even a spot on the train stationed here (it's a tad more comfortable than the platform). Today they gave away a bit of bread to people, so there's even food ‘security’ (not the right word but you know what I mean). Back in early august I would have called this luxurious living. I was homeless for about 3-4 weeks in the summer of 2021. I think that experience steeled me for this shit, like I'm ready to survive and do my best with the given situation, been here done that. But my mom is kind of in denial, she keeps wanting to go back up and I keep being shocked at how bad her essentials pack is packed. She doesn't have a toothbrush! When I was packing I knew that I might not return but she didn't/doesn't consider that, refuses. I don't push it because I don't need to stress her out but I'm firm not to bet my life on luck after that building got hit in Kyiv.

As I'm writing this, some people are coming by with food, tea, coffee, and even some chocolate which they are giving to the children here. Very heartwarming to see people helping, I'm crying right now. We need that kind of solidarity right now. A good act like that strengthens the feeling of community, which makes even more good things happen.

Most of my worries come from potential issues that may arise due to my transgender identity and Tourette's syndrome. To be clear, those aren't issues in themselves, it's the people around me that may make it a problem. People are stressed out and you never know how someone's bigotry might manifest. So at a time when solidarity with my fellow Ukrainians is most important I have to keep myself at a safe distance to not cause even more stress for myself. Though I want to emphasize that this is me being extra cautious, this isn't a reflection on how bigoted the Ukrainian people are. If I imagine an average reaction to my disability and gender identity from an average Ukrainian, it's likely just going to be bluntly brushed off and I’m not gonna talk to them about that again, but then it comes back to risk aversion — it's safer to be guarded for the sake of my personal safety and mental stability. I believe I will manage whatever social situation well enough, it's all about de-escalation and focusing people on the issue at hand.
If someone were to start going off about how I'm “a weird fag” or “a coward” for “pretending to be a woman” I can't fix that shit in their head, but I can redirect it to an issue they might actually have that caused them to lash out in the moment, or extract myself from the situation entirely. But it just sucks that even a bomb shelter is still potentially hostile for me. I do have an ace to play though — Russia is very queerphobic so I can point out how transphobia is anti-Ukrainian behavior (only when I feel that's safe of course).

Another thing that bugs me is thinking of ways to help people. If there's gonna be a lot of people there it would be good to establish some sort of order, an info center, some sort of unified news update system so that people would be informed on the local situation, helping people with less supplies etc. It sounds doable, worth an attempt 100%, but I’m worried about me being trans... I'll be putting myself out there and I don’t know how people will react. It’s good to hope that on that subject they probably won't really care, but that's extra pressure I don't need, I don't know where my breaking point is. Yesterday's interaction with the cops shook me for like an hour straight.

I was surrounded and got my phone searched. They didn't find anything, of course, but it shook me up.

Earlier, when I went up closer to the surface to catch some internet (my mobile service provider doesn't have a connection in the metro, unlike some others), one policeman started asking if everything's alright, why I'm up here, what's my name. My go-to answer for the name question is to clarify whether they need my legal name or just a normal one, so as not to give out my deadname. I guess that set off the cops' alarms, because I was surrounded and got my phone searched. They didn't find anything, of course, but it shook me up.

If I had had any tics during that interaction I don't know how that would've gone. These are mostly men trained in violence with automatic weapons that are stressed the fuck out, and I just don't trust them to treat me with respect. But again, I'm being extra cautious, it ended ok, they let me go soon enough and one even used my chosen name to urge me to go back down to the platform. So if I'm just looking at my experience so far: I've had one interaction where my gender identity was accepted at least in words and 0 incidents of anti-trans bigotry. I only hope that this continues. There are no cops at the station so far. I don’t know what that's about, but I'm glad for that.

~What are you thinking about right now?

I'm thinking that I hope to hear news of a civilian evacuation from the city [red. Kharkiv]. From what I understand it's too hot to do that at the moment as the escaping civilians might get hit, the enemy is too close. I would love to get further away from the fighting.

I'm thinking that I really want to hear good news of the рашисти (pun combining 'fascist' and a derogatory way of saying 'Russia') taking heavy losses while not getting any further into the country, since they just have to be ground down hard enough for the Russian government to decide to cut their losses and discuss peace terms.

I’m dreaming of the Russian people actively fighting their shit-ass regime and collapsing the whole thing from the inside, but that's only a dream since that country has spent years tightening the screws on controlling the populace. Without any actionable ways to work against the government and be protected from its repressions I can understand that the people won't risk their safety. My heart goes out to the Russian people, I understand that they're about to be hit by a load of financial problems due to worldwide sanctions, and the bastards in power won't feel those hits anywhere near as hard. Just another example of how the consequences of war are very rarely felt by the fuckers starting it.

No one ever deserves to go through this hell, this is an unacceptable state of affairs for every single human ever!

Yesterday and the day before I've been despairing over the general situation, and how we still do wars as a thing. There was a dissonance in my head between feeling very hurt by the situation. No one ever deserves to go through this hell, this is an unacceptable state of affairs for every single human ever! Seeing people just sort of exist normally (obviously sitting in a bomb shelter isn't normal, but I don't know how to describe it better), it felt like I wanted to lament the horror of the situation and grieve for my peace, but others' seeming calmness made me think those feelings weren't valid. I told my mom that we needed to set aside some time to just cry about the things that we can't bear keeping inside and that helped me a lot. My feelings of hurting were validated by having someone else there to share them with. I think she felt better too, but not as much as I did. I'm still obviously distressed, but I don't feel like I'll be overwhelmed by my feelings any time soon. This thing makes me think that we seriously need communal emotional support right now. I don't think I've seen anyone crying down in the metro so far and that disturbs me a little bit. People can hold in only so much and then they need to release, I just hope we can manage those releases in a safe way.

Speaking of other people, there's a group next to us: a grandma, mom and daughter. The kid is maybe 6 and it's really hard hearing the mom have outbursts at the child. Stuff like yelling and slapping the child's bottom. Unfortunately that's a common way to treat children here, but right now it's extra bad because the mom is helping literally no one with this. She's stressed out, the kid is stressed out, I'm fucking fuming at the situation because the kid isn't even problematic at all (not that this kind of parenting is justifiable)! The daughter is very responsive, not throwing a screaming tantrum, literally asking the mom 'why am I wrong?' and gets a 'because I said so!' yell in response from the mother. Shitty parents are a touchy subject for me, so I might be fixating on the bad a lot, but it really makes me mad. I can't do anything, I get the feeling I'll just be yelled at for teaching the woman how to be a mother, so I’m staying out for now until either I can't take it anymore or I figure out something specific that will actually help. But the child is so cute and resilient, she doesn't fold under her mom's aggression, plays with her friends and seems like she's generally having a good time.

~Any other thoughts and feelings you want to share?

I’m kind of mad about weapons manufacturers getting bank from this. We've seen news of various countries, orgs, crowdfunding allocating money to boost the Ukrainian military, which is good, it's good to help the people protecting from a fascist invasion. But it's fucked that for someone this is just their business. In a slightly better world resources would just be provided, since it's good to protect the Ukrainian people, no financing manipulations. In an even better world we wouldn't need to suffer from delusional dictators in the first place. But we live in our world and we have to make do with what we've got: end this war today, overthrow global oppressive systems tomorrow! (anarchist communist noises)

No one ever imagines what it's like living through a war and it's strange to realize that people will be reading about this like we used to read about wars in history class.

Also it's hard being cut off from the internet. I miss my friends, and worry when I don't hear from them for a time, and worry they're worrying when they don't hear from me. And the constant updates are a double-edged sword — it's good to stay informed on how things are happening, but draining when you get something new every half minute. I honestly don't know what I prefer: being constantly online or cut off. And in general it's just surreal to read the news. No one ever imagines what it's like living through a war and it's strange to realize that people will be reading about this like we used to read about wars in history class. But hearing our troops' high morale and good spirits is heartening.

Fuck I need to sleep holy shit.

Critical Consent by Robert Urbaschek

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